iLose
by emeralddusk
Summary: Feeling lost since you died; Losses are heavy and times aren't what they used to be. Waiting for something to make it all better. Written in my depression.
1. iAdore You

_In the heart of a storm, in the midst of depression, I write. I force myself to focus, even through the drug-like distraction weighing on my mind. _

_So, I force myself, as I once had, but never have before. It's deep and cold, especially in this late night, thinking of the loss that's coming..._

iLose

Chapter One: iAdore You

Gazing at her picture, remembering her long, blond hair; still having to see her imperfect, loving, calm, suffered, blue eyes, her often-hidden, heavily-defended smile, and, overall, the image of a caring, loving girl; my best friend. Her name is Sam Puckett...She was my friend, my sister, my loss, and my tears this and so many other nights. I can't believe she's gone. Now, everything's so wrong. She wasn't supposed to go; not yet, not...ever. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Staring into the picture; the frozen, untouchable moment in time; the frozen state of beautiful emotion and peace; the reminder that I'm alone, I felt my throat start to burn, and my eyes blur over with hot tears. I saw her face a the wake; her cold, still, sleeping face. Her skin was so pale, and her body void of all breath. I cried as I knelt; praying over and over again for her, for me, for anything to make all this better. There was no solace; not without Sam. Spencer put his arm around me, walking me out of that horrible place, helping me escape that horrible memory, and took me out to his car as the icy rain poured down on us. Finally, in the ultimate act of mercy, he turned the key, and drove me home. Thousands of drops of unforgiving, cold, remorseless rain threw themselves onto the windshield as the night passed by us in the car. I couldn't talk; I was all but blind from acid tears; rendered mute except for my sobs and gasping squeaks. Spencer understood; he didn't try to force me; just told me it'd be okay. Told me it was normal to suffer like this, normal to not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but that I'd get better.

I don't think he was right. I never moved on. Years have passed, just like that night, and I still hurt; I still cry; I still want her beside me. I still need her solace to go on, but I don't have her. I don't have my friend. I'm alone; I cry all night, feel my throat ache and burn, and can't see it in myself to return to a comfortable place...The last comfortable place; the only comfortable place I ever had died when Sam left me all alone. I held the necklace; I didn't have the necklace: I made it after Sam died, and cried into it. Inside, its only light was Sam's picture; she was so happy, so innocent, so at peace with where she was in the world. Now, she's gone; this picture of her...it's not her, but I want so badly to feel close to her now.

I found a new way to breathe tonight; I found a way to let go of the pain, and finally fall asleep. Cradling my locket, I slowly close my eyes, taking in each breath along with a happy memory of her, then let it out, and I wake up with dried tears and puffy eyes at about five in the morning. I cry for Sam; for myself; for our dead friendship...I'm the only one who can keep it alive. It's hard to bear, but I do it for Sam...for our memory. I've been alone for so long. I miss her; feel her inside my heart; want the pain to end.

_I love you, angel, _I whisper, visiting her headstone for the first time in my life. Her life was taken too soon; lost before her time, lost to her own unhappiness. For this, I only hold her closer in my heart. Maybe she's not hurting herself there.

_**Sam's Song**_

_Morning, crying angel_

_Morning, suffering soldier_

_Take my hand, angry little girl hiding her tears._

_Let me in your heart, one I strive to be._

_You have so much to give;_

_So much love, so much strength (only when you're defending me), so many dreams_

_Please don't let your dreams come to an end;_

_Don't wake up out of it, beautiful dreamer._

_Stay with me; see the highest mountains at sunrise with me..._

_And let us be free._

_Take my hand when I'm not strong enough_

_Let me take yours because I know you'll never be alright alone._

_Don't let your fears and pain ever stop you from the love you deserve._

_You're always there..._

_Always my friend..._

_Here to love the world..._

_That's why you're our angel;_

_Sent from a higher window to make us all sleep in comfort._

_In the most loving way, although you didn't love yourself, you loved us all,_

_and we will always love you,_

_Samantha...hear our prayer that you find comfort._

_Sam Puckett, don't forget your friendship._

_Sleeping angel...Never let go of your wings; We can dream forever._

-By Carly Shay, loving friend and sister.

I love you, Sam. I'll never let you slip away...no matter how bad you think your pain makes you. I'm still waiting for you to come home, bud...


	2. Wayward Son

iLose

Chapter Two: Freddie Benson; Wayward Son

_It was late at night; colder than usual; I feel, generally, horrible. It's horrible that I'm up so late, horrible I've been short with my friends and family, horrible I haven't awoken from this daze I've been in for so long, and horrible because I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I'm losing my will to keep fighting: losing my faith and passion in my life. I'm torn up; maybe you can't tell by looking at me: my weak, bag-lined eyes, my rough hair, my withering body, but inside I'm shattered. I'm afraid, I'm angry, I'm alone, even though I have loved ones around most of the time. It's been so long since I've had a good day; since I've eaten right; since I've slept well, and I'm starting to break down all over._

_ It's been awhile...a long while since we talked. It's wrong, but I've been so tired, so upset, so willing to blame everyone and everything but myself, and so stressed out over nothing. I've called Wendy, Shane, and others, but they won't answer or their lines are off. Despite this, I feel like I wouldn't want to talk, anyway. But when I'm like this...when I'm at my own mercy...I'm begging for them. But when I see Sam, Carly, and my other friends, it's all I can do to fake happy, give a meaningless smile, and then return to nothing. At the same time, another of my closest friends has been wanting so badly to talk to me, but I keep ignoring him..._

_ Dialing the number on my home phone, since I don't bother with my cell phone anymore, I held the earpiece up to the side of my face, feeling confident and afraid in the fact that he would answer. I felt my heart jump; my pulse start to race alittle faster. One beep...two beeps..._

"Hello?" he answered, his voice calm, understanding, and willing to listen.

"God?" I asked, swallowing hard.

"Yes, Freddie," He answered me, filling me with guilt, hope, peace, a sense of redemption, even though I've lost myself. "It's good to hear from you again, my son."

"You, too, Father," I replied, feeling so beaten down. "I'm sorry I've ignored you for so long...it's not right."

"I knew you would come back, Fredward," God calmed the child. "I'm sorry for what you've been through, and we can talk about all of it; I can help you if you want me to." Sobbing and biting down on my lip, I nodded.

"Yeah..." I choked out. Tears began streaming down my cheeks. I knew He was giving me strength and comfort to make my heart's confession; to let go of all the pain going on around me; everything I'd become. "When I came back...they told me he was dead...she still isn't calling or talking to us...and it hasn't been the same since my cousin went away. I'm worried about baby Stephanie...I don't know why no one's called me..." I knew all the pain I felt, He was feeling as well. I felt so horrible for letting myself blame Him for everything; He didn't take that man away from us, breaking my niece's heart. He didn't give my cousin these problems, or send all the family's friends to the hospital. He let the teachers get better; He let my cousin get the help she needed, and he let her eye heal properly. There's less pain now, but I feel like it's all coming to an end. "I'm sorry..." I wailed into the phone, my eyes burning with hot tears that streamed down my cheeks. "It wasn't your fault, I shouldn't have blamed you, it's just..." I choked out a loud cry. "I didn't have anyone else to be mad at. You don't deserve that, that's not why you gave me everything you did."

"Sssh," God whispered to me, settling me down like my mother used to when I was in the crib. "You needn't blame yourself for your moments of weakness anymore. Your mistakes have been forgiven, my son. Things have been hard, but you must remember that I have never left you, Fredward. When times were hardest, and you saw only one set of footprints in the sand, it was then that I carried you. Now that you've willingly shown me your scars, my beloved child, I will only hold you the closer."

Suffering out another self-pitying gasp, I tightened my teeth, then let go. "Thank you," I gargled under my pain. "You've been wanting to help me for so long, and I...I just never let you in because...I was angry at everything, even though I had nothing to blame, and I didn't want to swallow my pride. I'm so sorry. You're my Father, and I..."

"You are forgiven, my weary child," He interrupted me, stopping some of my attack on myself. "You have returned to me, and you are only stronger because of that. You were never away from me; your sins were never that severe. Forgiveness is always your gift, Freddie." I couldn't talk. "Your beautiful heart has been hurt, broken, and improperly kept for so long...I will happily enter if you want me to, my son." I nodded, crying so badly, all alone in a big apartment that allowed no space for my sorrows.

"Yes...Yes, I want you to, Father," I cried, covering my burning eyes.

_Once I rose above the noise and confusion..._

_Just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high_

_Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man_

"I have missed you, my son," my Heavenly Father told me. "I will never let you go; the embrace you have so longed for, you will never have to leave." I smiled, feeling so happy with the concept of redemption upon me.

"I've been so cold to everyone," I confessed, calling my sins to mind. "I argued, said things, brought people down for so reason...I've upset people...and I'm so sorry for that, Father, I had no reason. Right now, it seems okay, though. They've forgiven me, but I need to change; to become myself again."

"You will, Fredward," He told me, never hating me like I thought He should. "This too shall pass. You will find happiness in your life once again. All will be well after the storm. I know you've been thinking about giving up..." It's true; it's crossed my mind more than once during all of this. If I died, it wouldn't get any worse... "That will not solve anything," He promised me. "I will calm the waves until you can surface...allow yourself the time to rise, my son. You will never cry alone."

He wasn't just talking about Himself..."Thank you,...Dad," I said, my voice still weak and healing itself from my crying fit. I was calming down. "Thanks for always being there for me."

_Though my mind could think I still was a mad man_

_I hear the voices when I'm dreamin', I can hear them say..._

"Always, my beloved child," God answered. "And well done, my good and faithful servant." I let my eyes water, even though the crying and sorrow was over with. Time was all it would take; time and strength to weather this nightmare. I couldn't betray myself anymore.

_**Carry on, my wayward son**_

_For there'll be peace when you are done_

_Lay your weary head to rest_

_Don't you cry no more_

"Thank you so much," I whispered with a cracking voice. I knew He smiled back at me. "Goodnight, Father." I was able to smile; unable to hold it back. "I love you."

"I love you always and forever," God peacefully replied, calming my restless soul.

_**Carry on, my wayward son**_

_For there'll be peace when you are done_

_Lay your weary head to rest _

_Don't you cry no more_

_**Carry on, you will always remember **_

_Carry on, nothing equals the splendor _

_Now your life's no longer empty _

_Surely heaven waits for you_

_**Carry on, my wayward son **_

_For there'll be peace when you are done _

_Lay your weary head to rest _

_Don't you cry no more..._


End file.
